Ten years ago, I woke up to a text from my niece telling me that my sister had died. This was not completely unexpected — she’d been fighting breast cancer for over a year — but we all thought she had more time. We thought we had more time. But just like that, she was gone.

This morning I woke up thinking of her. Of our last visit, the hours we spent on her couch talking about anything but her illness. Of the shock I felt after getting the news, sitting in bed, sitting with the knowledge that my sister was gone. For a few moments, it felt like if I didn’t tell my mom or husband, it wouldn’t be true. That my niece had to be wrong. That her words meant something else.

Anything else.

I’ve known I wanted to write about her on this anniversary, but how do you summarize ten years of grieving? I miss her in quiet moments when a hummingbird flits across the yard, in everyday moments when I still have the reflex to share a funny story, in family moments when her absence is an assault. I’m so unbelievable sad she’ll never see her grandchild who will be born in July.

Those who’ve known me while know my sister’s death was one of three between 2014 and 2017. Forever the middle child, she died two years after our dad and one year before our brother, but her death was the one that knocked me off my axis.

My life has continued, but she’s never far from my thoughts. Guiding me with advice, laughing at the absurdity that only sisters understand. Constantly reminding me of the gaping hole her death has left in my life.

A few weeks ago, we gathered for my nephew and his wife’s baby shower and it was both lovely and heartbreaking. I saw her friends, people I knew a lifetime ago, and as excited as all of us are for the baby and as proud as we are of my niece and nephews for the amazing people they are despite their loss, I felt a profound sadness for what is missing, and for what will never be.

I wrote about my sister on the first anniversary of her death, and that post still reaches readers. The world has changed so much in the past decade, that sometimes her life feels like a time capsule of a different era. Some days that makes it easier to look back with happiness, but on days like today, it’s a harsh reminder of just how long she’s been gone.